Withdrawing from Pornography

I have made it through another day without retreating into my addiction.  I had some serious challenges, but was able to work through them.  I really am keeping myself busy and occupied.  This helps, but sometimes it is nice to relax and this is when my mind starts to wonder off.  These are my most vulnerable times because unconsciousness leads me back into the trap of pornography.

I have found a lot of productivity inside myself that I did not know existed.  I feel like I have an extra couple of hours each day.  I am much more vibrant and outgoing.  I want to be out and about accomplishing things instead of laying in my cave.  This is a nice perk from not wasting my vitality through a measly orgasm.  I once heard an orgasm called a “genital sneeze” and had to laugh at the phrase.  It is so true, but I never realized the chemical addiction to that sneeze.  The chemical was what kept bringing me back although I knew that it was hurting me on so many levels.  I used to be addicted to pain killers and I have learned that my pornography addiction targeted these same areas in the brain as the painkillers.  So although I stopped using pain killers, I never really moved beyond the addiction.  It only transformed into another addiction.

I notice something different about my decision this time.  I know that I am putting my full attention and intention into moving beyond this porn addiction.  I know that it doesn’t serve me anymore and knew that  all along.  The big difference this time is that I know I am strong enough to live without it.  This is key because in the past I never believed this.  I always left a door open to return in case things got too tough, which they always did and I always returned to the porn.  I know now that this is not the case.  I have always been strong enough, I just was never ready to move beyond it.  Now I am and am ready to enjoy life and myself.

Day 3 is done……goodnight!!!

This is the 3rd day without my vice of internet pornography!!!  It has been a challenge to say the least.  I feel like there is so much more time in the day.  Who says there are only 24 hours in a day?  I feel like I have 30 right now.  That shows how much of my energy I was wasting in this addiction.  I feel quite good about the opportunities that I am now opening myself to.  There has been so much in my life that I have let slip through because I did not feel good enough about myself.  Now I am starting to feel this confidence and optimism come back.

Granted it is only 3 days in, but I am more focused and on point than ever before.  I broke up with a girl last weekend, which for me was a tough thing to do.  The emotional support and love that I received from her were amazing, but I was using her love because I did not have any for myself.  I thank her for loving me and also for letting me mature.  It is interesting how certain things happen and at the time they seem pretty rough, but in hindsight it was always meant to be.  Emotionally it is very hard for me to say goodbye to someone that I have opened up to.  I feel like I am being abandoned, which dates back to very early in my childhood.  Rationally I know that is not the case in this situation, although emotionally it feels like it.

On top of this I am giving up a vice that I have carried for many years and did not put down even while I was in the relationship.  It has been my safety net and my biggest hindrance.  For this I know that it is time to let it go and all that comes with it.

Onward I go…..

Well, I made it to another day.  Today was much tougher than yesterday, which only makes sense.  I mean this is when I would normally access the primitive brain and give myself a daily shot of dopamine.  Today was also more challenging because I noticed I look towards females to be the answer.  Whenever I see a pretty girl, I unconsciously look to her to make me feel whole about myself.  This is starting to be a more conscious process.  The funny thing is that I never even see the actual girl, but only the fantasy that plays out in my mind.  One way that I can counter this is to see the person behind the fantasy.   This will move me from seeing gender to just seeing a person.  This is key, but easier said than done.  It is tough the hole I have dug for myself, but one that I dug and thus one that I can get out of.

Who knows what tomorrow brings, but the experience and awareness I have gained today are invaluable.

Wow……this is intense.  I am so fidgety and restless.  I want to go run, but I don’t know if my body can take the punishment.  I feel especially charged up and want a way to channel that somewhere, but not the convenient escape.

At least now I know I am getting my money’s worth out of this withdrawal.  I am definitely being challenged and am semi-grateful for this.  If it were easy then I wouldn’t be doing this and you wouldn’t be reading this.

Breathing is a nice escape because it is always here and now.  A friend of mine asked me what I think is the best way to stay in the present tense.  My reply was quite simple, breathe.  It doesn’t take much more than this, but it does take a lot of perseverance.  My brain’s initial thoughts are I don’t want to feel this and damnit get me outta here!!! Although I know that this is the best thing to be going through.

Gotta keep on keeping on with this.  I don’t want to do this again….EVER!!!

The start of another day and a new set of experiences and challenges.  I noticed last night that the evening was especially challenging.  I wanted to daze off and get away from the numbness.  I almost feel like I am going through a tunnel.  Although I am trying to keep myself busy and turning to activities that are more introspective and peaceful.  Some of these are reading and just being wherever I may find myself.  I have also been running quite a bit.  I like to run in the morning because it is a great way to start the day.  The endorphins are a little bit of a substitute, although more positive.

This is a big challenge, but I know that it will be worthwhile.  The key for me is to stay conscious as much as possible.  Granted there will be times when I am not totally here, but the awareness of these will always bring me back.  I know this is a process and I am not expecting instant results.  This will take time, but I know this will be the best so the changes are more lasting.

Anyways, I am in high spirits and can see this really going somewhere.  Where it goes, I don’t know, but I am willing to give it a chance.

Ciao…..

I just realized how strong the pull is to drown myself out and avoid things….in almost every turn.  Maybe its societal, but regardless it is my issue.  There is no finger pointing and even if there is it does not accomplish anything but prolong the problem.  I heard a quote one time that stuck with me….”Your life is not a failure until you blame someone else.”  Kinda intense but I think it is true, because until I blame someone else I still have my power and can overcome things, no matter what has happened.

But I do feel this urge to just vacate the feelings I have….a learned habit undoubtedly.  Since it is learned I can change that habbit.  In Zen, they say that nothing is permanent and everything is changing.  This is absolutely true, although the ruts I have trenched out make it seem like there is no way out.  This is an illusion though, and with heightened consciousness I can move out of the ruts I was never in with to begin with.  Paradoxical??? Just maybe….

I feel like a deer in headlights with these feelings and they will most likely just intensify….scary to say the least.  I want to run back into my cave, but that cave is no longer home to me.  It never satisfied on a deep level, although it superficially gave me a reprieve.

Into the great unknown I head…Vaya con dios!