Withdrawing from Pornography

Here is the start of my first day free of pornography.  Just a couple of observations that make the day much easier going.  When I have plans that I stick to, I find it much easier to abstain.  The plans don’t have to be very big, it is just a matter of sticking to them.  For instance I went to the gym this morning and now I am trying to have odd chores keep me busy.  This is easier said than done at time for me because sometimes I don’t want to do anything.  This is when I just have to pick myself up and move through these valleys.

I am quite nervous about my new start, because part of me is holding on.  I know I don’t have to change everything today and that gives me hope.  “Tiny steps for tiny feet.”  So with that I am going to take a couple of steps….

Well, this vice of mine is not going to recede on the first attempt.  I had a lapse yesterday and all of the feelings that come with it.  I was sad, angry, stressed, and on and on.  I just returned to the easiest thing I knew.  Did I really make that decision?  I think it has turned into an unconscious decision.  It is an automatic response to uncomfortability.

OK.  What is done is done, water under the bridge.  There is no use trying to understand why, where, or how.  What I know is that there are certain times when I am more vulnerable.  These are the times when I should raise my guard and more importantly my compassion.  Just to be ok as who I am, without the pornography.  What would it hurt to live without it for 2 weeks?  I am willing to find out.

I am recommitting myself to this.  I think the fact that I went back into the safer route happened for a reason.  I was thinking about it yesterday.  I was sad and upset at what happened, but then I thought that this can help me reach out to others in need.  If I kicked this habit on the first go, not many people could relate to that.  I am in an internal struggle, there is no doubt about it.  The greater the struggle, the greater the growth.

Today is a new day and therefore I have a new opportunity!!!

Today has been very challenging.  I have been wanting to just give up and not move forward.  I know if I do this I will be back in the same place I started at.  This is very disheartening and I am not sure I know where to go from here.  I feel down and out for some of the simplest things.  I lost my car key and could not do something I had planned.  I had a lot of feelings of anger and shame.  These feelings are very uncomfortable for me and I initially want to just hide.  These feelings suck and I have a hard time being alright with them.

It is interesting how a little event can swing my mood so drastically.  I am holding as strong as I can but am having a hard day.

Jackson Browne: Live Nude Cabaret

This is a great song that hits what sex addiction is all about, although it can show up in so many forms.

I will comment it about it shortly, but wanted to add it as soon as possible.