Filed under: Withdrawal
Well….I have made up my mind to leave pornography and the futile escape from reality behind. I am nervous and excited about this challenge. I have been using this as a tool to avoid certain things for almost 10 years. I am 26 and know that it is time to leave this behind. Don’t get me wrong, it has served me well…maybe too well. But I know that love and acceptance of myself is on the other side, which I am quite excited about.
What am I getting myself into??? I am not sure, but I am willing to take a look and see what is down below the surface of my psyche. I also believe that by writing about my experience I can hopefully help others who have experienced similar plights. I feel like this will be a new awakening and entrance into life, although getting there will be the biggest challenge of my life.
I have learned over time to numb myself out through this cheap and easy escape, while adding to the pile of things to be dealt with later. I have a mound of emotional trauma/muck that I am sure will start coming up. I welcome these feelings, although they are going to be quite ripe and intense. I want to be as honest and transparent as possible. I feel that this will be more challenging but will make my chances of success higher.
I have plenty of shame about this issue. Hell, I have been hiding it for a decade. I learned that I could suffocate my masculinity at an early age….around 7th grade. I used pornography as soon as I could. I remember the days of AOL and dialup. It was such a rush back then to see these sultry images on my screen. Little did I know that it would turn into a lifelong obsession/addiction.
On the bright side of the road, this has served me well and got me through many tough times when I did not have anyone to turn to. It has gotten me through a lot and even helped me sleep….one of the best sleeping aids around (sorry Ambien). Also, the fact that there is a lot of junk waiting to come out means that there are some incredible gifts that are waiting to come out as well. I know this to be true, because there couldn’t be one without the other. Just like the Yin and the Yang.
Anyhoot…..I am ready to go and join the rest of life. I feel like I have been on the sidelines waiting for life to happen, but at the same time benching myself without even a chance. Time has come my friends to move into the void within and welcome and entertain it all. I am going to be posting as much as I can and would love support. If anyone would like to offer comments or even critiques I more than welcome them.
Here is a great site that I found last night while searching for withdrawal symtoms from sex addiction. http://www.reuniting.info I highly reccommend it and will be using it as a source of comfort and inspiration over the next weeks….maybe years??? Lets hope so.
Until later…..
Filed under: Signifigance
Interesting question. I often wonder this same thing after completing a task or seeing humanity reach a milestone of any significant proportion. The question is not meant to disregard or belittle any achievement, however I want its purpose to look below the surface. For too long I lived on the surface of life, and often times catch myself coming back up for air – stale as it may be. However, I have found that the true richness and meaning of life comes from way below the surface. The signifigance of life is not to be found in the glam and glitz of information overload, but on the contrary it is found in the blowing of the trees and the dynamics which cannot be explained by the masses. Have you ever just stopped to notice the beauty of a passing moment? I mean honestly stopped and seen the leaves dance from the transparency of the wind? I have and long to experience again because this is the purity and depth of life that cannot be found in the myriad of nonsense we are surrounded with and by.
I am not trying to diminish what is around us, whether natural or man-made, because it is here and we ought to make the most out of what is available. The point I am trying to make here is that these “things” we chase and attach ourselves too are not as meaningful as the things that are around us and within us. The essence of life, that which creates all we see is the part that we should appreciate. It is this essence which connects all of us, whether realized or not. I am you and you are I. When I realize this then the struggle and fight that I have been living seems to crumble right in front of my very eyes. When I realize that my needs and wants are you needs and wants, then I have moved from the opposing team to the same team. I find it quite humorous how the
